Integration – the power of ‘and’ . . .

I doubt that there are many who do not have at least some memories of special times and special people that carry a ‘but’.

The last couple of years have, for me, brought a steady drip of challenges, including grief and loss. There have also been many new experiences, as well as old memories, to feed joy and growth. For a while, though, I have struggled with those ‘buts’. “It was a lovely day, but then . . .” Perhaps someone got annoyed, or there was physical pain, or something else that added a darker tinge to the ‘perfect day’. Or maybe the memory of a person I genuinely loved sits uncomfortably alongside those aspects that often made them difficult to live with.

Replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ – integration not polarities

What I have realized is that the moment you replace ‘but’ with ‘and’, everything changes. AND allows us to embrace and integrate the richness of all aspects of a person or an experience as part of the wondrous weave of life. Instead of something that feels polarised and conflicted, there is an awareness of an underlying wholeness.

Buddhist and Taoist perspectives on suffering

I’ve never felt comfortable with the Buddhist view of suffering as the central condition of existence, something from which we need to liberate ourselves. It’s always felt like a rejection of an inherent part of living. Even as a teen, Taoism’s view of suffering as being the result of resisting the natural flow of the universe resonated much more readily with me. It’s not that you don’t feel pain or loss, but you cultivate an ability to be with them, integrate them and let them go to be absorbed into the currents of your living.

Metaphor: Buddhism is like diagnosing and untangling an internal knot of thought; Taoism is like stopping your effort to forcefully push a river and simply floating.

Focus of Observation: Buddhism looks inward to dissect the mechanics of the ego and mind; Taoism looks outward to align human rhythm with the larger pattern of nature.

Ultimate Frame: Buddhism seeks an escape or release from cyclical existence (Samsara); Taoism seeks deep, tranquil integration with life right where you are

Google AI

As I write, that word ‘integration’ keeps rising to the surface. It is also at the core of what I am working with as I age into elderhood. It feels to me that one of the key tasks of this stage of life is to bring together and integrate all of one’s experiences.

Non-duality

Day’s stored riches
spread gilding light
and paint the evening sky
in vivid hues
that gentle
into shadow,
then to night.

Night’s inky black
fades to grey,
colours seeping
then flooding back
till light explodes
and day
reclaims the world.

I think the importance of ‘and’ is that it implies wholeness rather than separation. Day and night exist on a continuum, are not a duality. And both are part of that larger pattern of all that is.

Honouring the whole

Every individual has strengths and gifts. They also have weaknesses and challenges of body and temperament. None of these alone reflect their human beingness. All the shadings and strands weave together to form a unique whole. In remembering those we love who have ‘become ancestors’, there is a need to integrate the good and not so good memories, to find an honest but compassionate acceptance that recognizes, celebrates and honours all that they were in this life.

Of course, this is learning that we can and ideally should apply to each person we encounter and to ourselves, as well as to the joys and pains with which life gifts us. That’s how we align our human rhythm to that larger pattern. It is important to remember, though, that this a process that requires attention, space and patience. It is not an instant ‘fix’.

Integration

Imagine a tapestry that only has access to pale shades. Now add in some darker threads. It’s not that the pastel piece is without interest. But those blacks, midnight blues, wine reds and more add depth and richness to the whole. You need access to the whole palette. Pain and grief do not disappear. However, when we are able to embrace then release them, to integrate them, then ultimately, with time, they enrich and expand our living and being.

Continuing the theme of Joy in Grief

This poem is a consolidation of work I have done around grief and its integration into the fabric of living. Ultimately, grief is to me part of what underpins joy; with practice, we can access joy in grief.

I was asked by someone to contribute a piece about grief for an anthology, though at present this seems to be on hold. This was where the prompt led me.

It connects to themes explored in previous posts, In every emotion a passage to joy and Joy and delight in challenging times.

Silhouette and light, symbolizing spirit

Who am I?

I am gift, not curse;
through me you honour what you love.

I am a constant thread
in the wondrous weave of life.

At times I am a murmuring melody,
at others a clamouring crescendo.

I do not take you hostage;
I sculpt your soul

and hollow you out,
exposing hidden depths.

What is broken apart, unmade,
I make anew.

Through me you understand
that all things pass.

Without me,
neither love nor compassion bloom.

I ripen your heart
to the great work of love.

I connect you
to Life’s currents, to the commons of the soul.

I shout in joyous affirmation
of the great gift of Life.

I am Grief.


I wait for your embrace . . .

Gina Bearne, July 2024

A book that I found very helpful and that held particular resonance for me is The Wild Edge of Sorrow – Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

Joy and delight in challenging times

What is the relationship between joy and delight and how can we cultivate joy and delight in challenging times?

Joy and delight

I think those things that delight us may often connect us to joy. But for me joy has more of a sense of rapture, bliss, ecstasy, and transcendence than delight.

In my 2019 post Revisiting Joy I described joy as a momentary glimpse of absolute belonging within the flow of all that is, a moment of total connectedness and as existing only in the ‘now’. Saint Thomas Aquinas describes joys as ‘delights of the soul’ – yes, this sums up the distinction beautifully.

Opening to joy and delight in challenging times

In challenging times, I believe it becomes more important than ever to nurture and tap into joy as an underpinning of resilience and hope. I have worked consciously for more than a decade to cultivate the capacity for joy. So part of my ability to remain open to joy is simply ‘practice’. A key element of that practice is regularly and consciously opening out my senses into the now. Over time, this has become a normal way of being. This brings with it a constant stream of small joys that feed my soul and connect me to all that is. That sense of connection is fundamental to my understanding of joy.

Cultivating our capacity to experience joy is also a process of honing our ability to connect, as well as to contain and to accept every shading of existence. This encompasses both the ‘natural’ and the ‘human’ world, which in the end is simply another manifestation of all that is whether you define this spiritually or in terms of particulate matter.

Implicit in and emerging out of ‘connection’ are love and compassion for all beings.

If you develop a strong sense of concern for the well-being of all sentient beings and in particular human beings, this will make you happy in the morning, even before coffee . . . Joy is a way of approaching the world.

Perhaps, too, the recognition of the existence of that unlimited capacity to encompass both the ecstasy and the agony of living and being human, both heart-filling and heart-breaking enables me to maintain my connection to joy even in times of suffering.

There are, of course, moments when I lose the connection, times of utter weariness and despair. But I have learned that these times pass, to rest easy with them. I don’t force my way back. But I do try to continue to open my awareness, to some extent to ‘fake it till I make it’, to rest in faith. I retain a sense of trust in the calm that runs underneath the turbulence always.

Delight in the everyday

I am constitutionally curious, and my curiosity reaps an abundance of delights!

Sometimes what draws me is something not previously perceived in an everyday experience; the musicality of dancing across frozen ‘puddle-drums’; the shadows cast by individual pieces of gravel on the road in the stark, bright sunlight of an early winter’s afternoon; the exquisite crystals forming at the bottom of a bottle of maple syrup. It might be natural beauty, which often illuminates some interiority. Or perhaps an interaction with another being; the infectious chuckle of a baby; a leisurely conversation with a dear friend; the knowledge that, in some small way, I have been able to make a difference, whether to loved-one or stranger; the now familiar gentle knock of our favourite squirrel on the window; the regular visits of the Cardinal lighting up our bird-feeder. Invariably, implicit in the flashes of joy there is some sense of flow and connectedness.

I realize that joy is often, for me, a multi-layered experience that instinctively links me with deeper knowing. I feel delight in what my senses are gifting me; the breathtaking majesty of a mountain range; the wondrous lake that is the backdrop to my life; the fractious flurry of goldfinches fighting for a place at the window feeder; the scent of lavender. But beyond that delight exist additional layers, rooted in association, symbol and insight.

My eyes may be drawn to the mountains, but the soaring of my soul reflects an awe that extends my awareness outwards into all of creation.

The lake tethers me to the constancy of change. it reminds me that there is a place of deep calm within me too that remains even in the midst of the wind’s tumult or the immobility of ice. I remember that it is the moments of absolute stillness that most fully reflect the light.

My delight in the goldfinches links me back to my Grandfather’s love of ‘all things great and small’ and to the benediction of his transmitted wisdom. The lavender is my Grandmother’s gentle, loving presence.

These do not need to be conscious or articulated thought processes. But as I have cultivated joy, they increasingly underpin and amplify my experience. Joy, it seems, for me at least, can be cumulative.

Bodily delight

Saint Thomas Aquinas distinguishes bodily delights from the delights of the soul and thus joy. I’m guessing he is referring here to ‘pleasure’ and ‘sensation’. I think, though, there are other dimensions to bodily delight.

Like many of us as we age, I see my mother in my hands. I sometimes hear her in the words that emerge from my mouth. I think the delight I feel lies in a sense of recognition, perhaps even of presence, of continuity and, again, of connection.

As I spoon round my husband each morning, there is always a flash of joy. Yes, that dear familiarity, that skin on skin delight in touch is still the first layer, even 30 years on. But it also connects me to the whole of our history together, all the growth, learning and co-creation, the deepening of mature love.

And, recently, I seem to have moved into a new relationship with my body as simultaneously separate from and integral to that which constitutes ‘I am’. With this has come an unaccustomed tenderness and compassion, as well as a stream of fresh awareness and delight. A fleeting perception of my body as a community of cells within that greater community that is existence was just the kind of momentary glimpse of absolute belonging within the flow of all that is that forms part of my definition of joy.

Joy and gratitude as an act of resistance

Whether it’s the transcendent joy of sacred ritual or the simple joy of cultivating a garden, the pursuit of joy amid great struggle is a way to tend our humanity when it is most threatened. . . Joy is also a manifestation of abundance.

Although a key focus of my life has been an ability to help create the circumstances that support change for individuals and organizations, I’ve never really identified as an activist. I have always believed that the deepest and most enduring change always begins with the individual. So in looking at joy and gratitude in the context of resistance my focus is a more subtle, personal form of resistance.

At the most basic level, if joy underpins resilience and hope then it offers each one of us resistance against the negative emotions, the despair that might otherwise overwhelm us in dark times. There is great power in this.

To lay claim to joy and gratitude when the collective mood is one of loss, fear, grief and anger is to reassert our humanity, our vitality. By choosing to cultivate our capacity for joy, we retain the ability to expand rather than contract, which in turn drives our ability to embrace and energize change and so to move forward.

Similarly, in challenging times, the rootedness of joy in connection holds back the tides of isolation and alienation, certainly for self and possibly for others. We remain able to function from an abundance mindset.

Whilst it may seem counterintuitive to be joyful in the face of social ills and struggle, joy actually increases our ability to engage with the world empathically and effectively.

The more we turn toward others, the more joy we experience, and the more joy we experience, the more we can bring joy to others. The goal is not just to create joy for ourselves but . . . to be a reservoir of joy, an oasis of peace, a pool of serenity that can ripple out to all those around you.

These last few difficult months have gifted many of us with an opportunity to turn our gaze inward. Although I have, like most people, struggled at times, I have been surprised to discover an increasingly persistent undercurrent of joy. Sometimes this brings feelings of guilt. How can it be OK to experience joy when so many are suffering?

This takes me back to that sense of joy as underpinning the capacity to encompass both the ecstasy and the agony of living and being human. Those of us who are able to tap into this capacity and to keep joy alive are, to an extent, light bringers and keepers of the flame. I can’t think of a much more profound act of resistance.

Light in tough times

In these challenging times, it is hardly surprising when fear creates a knotted tangle of resistance, control mechanisms, and doubt. It can be difficult to hold on to an awareness of light.

Awe versus awful

A friend commented to me that maintaining an awareness of awe didn’t seem to help that much when instead faced with awful. I think the reality is that awe, wonder and gratitude are important in nourishing joy and resilience. They are not a preventative measure or an insurance policy – life happens. But greater resilience and the ability to find joy in even small, everyday things, can provide the necessary glimmer of light to help you get through the tough times.

Not mine to fix

It is easy to find oneself on a slippery slope of self-blame or loss of faith when life doesn’t go as you hoped and expected, when illness or adversity strike. I realized in the last week that, whilst I am mostly able to understand and accept that it is not up to me to fix others, there is a part of me that wants to cling to the belief that, if I ‘do it right’, I can fix myself. It was illuminating and freeing to understand that it is also not up to me to fix myself!

I may aspire to physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing, may do my best to adopt positive choices and practices. But it is not a weakness, a failing in myself, if physical or emotional issues do not resolve immediately in response to my actions – or even ever. I simply do not have that level of control over life – no one does. There is no point, therefore, in judging and finding myself wanting. Nor does this invalidate the choices and practices. What I can do is sit with myself compassionately and with acceptance of what is. I can listen deeply for what I need and tap into that ability to connect with resilience and joy and the underpinning awareness that the light is always there.

Shining a light

When we align with who we really are, who-what we are designed to be, we unfurl. Benefit in all directions abounds that has little to do with us. We are simply being . . . and the benefit that happens, in a way, is none of our business.

~ Kim Rosen

Sitting in meditation with these ideas swirling around me, I had a delightfully ‘silly moment’ when the thought that popped into my head was ‘I want to be a lighthouse when I grow up!’ Beyond the thought, though, lies a deepening understanding that it is not mine to fix anyone and a continuing commitment to the growth of authenticity. This is helping to reframe my ongoing desire to ‘make a difference’. It struck me that this was a personal expression of what Kim Rosen suggests in the quote above (revisited from my Soul School post). Playing with the thought, the poem below was my destination!

Lighthouse - shining a light at the edge of the world (Cape Spear)

I want to be a lighthouse when I grow up!

I want to be a lighthouse when I grow up,
to stand tall and true at the edge of the world
mostly unremarked and unremarkable but there,
a steady light radiating outwards from within.

It is none of my business
whether the light
is witnessed
or serves any purpose.

But, on the darkest nights,
when storms rage and rocks reveal their fangs,
just maybe my light may ease some being’s passage
and help them come home to themself.

August 13, 2020

Love in the shadows – the gifts of the 5%

Love in the Shadows

Even the greatest love stories have their moments! For many years I have referred to this as ‘the 5%’. From a personal perspective, my husband and I rub along pretty well for 95% of the time – sometimes better, sometimes worse, but generally OK. Then, suddenly, love in the shadows; the unfathomable distance between separate identities becomes insurmountable, overwhelming, unbearable.

What I’ve realized is that, although these times feel like a threat, are full of pain and anguish, they are but another part of the gift of enduring compassionate partnership.

The Shadow Hordes

The Warrior Queen rises up from the shadows, fierce, proud, self-righteous, magnificent and lethal. She seeks only to protect her realm, yet her wild, wounding words are laden with destruction.

Beside her a weeping Child begs for comfort, “what about me? See me, love me, save me!”

Behind them lurk the Troll of resistance barring the way forward, the Grey Goblin of anxiety wringing her hands, and more.

The many voices of the shadow self become a cacophonous clamour that threatens to drown out any possibility of perspective or partnership.

Love in the Shadows

Where else do we have the safety to confront the shadows so openly? Love is possibly the only power that can talk us down from the ledges. It is only in the context of love that we can see the damage our shadow army inflicts on self and other. And it is only in the context of love that we can find the compassionate understanding to forgive ourselves for their existence within us.

If we never allow ourselves to see the shadows, we lose the opportunity to know them.

In truth, it is not the purpose of the Warrior Queen to destroy, of the Grey Goblin to disable, of the Troll to stand in the way; they seek to protect. They bring shadow, darkness in which to hide, to find safety. They are the wild, untamed aspects of our psyche. They are capable of evil but they are not inherently evil in and of themselves. Indeed, they can be instructive and empowering aspects of who we are.

Only as we develop our capacity for compassionate love can we begin to realize how to embrace our shadows, to acknowledge their purpose, to befriend them enough to listen calmly to their promptings, to draw on that wild wisdom without unleashing their destructive force.

This, to me, is the gift of the 5%. We are challenged at the deepest level to engage with all that it is to be human. This offers us not only the opportunity to make peace with ourselves but also deepens our compassionate understanding of shadow as it manifests in the world around us.

If you have found some value in this post, you may also enjoy Love Stories

The shadows I refer to are of my own naming, but if they intrigue you, you may be interested in the work of Caroline Myss on archetypes.