I doubt that there are many who do not have at least some memories of special times and special people that carry a ‘but’.
The last couple of years have, for me, brought a steady drip of challenges, including grief and loss. There have also been many new experiences, as well as old memories, to feed joy and growth. For a while, though, I have struggled with those ‘buts’. “It was a lovely day, but then . . .” Perhaps someone got annoyed, or there was physical pain, or something else that added a darker tinge to the ‘perfect day’. Or maybe the memory of a person I genuinely loved sits uncomfortably alongside those aspects that often made them difficult to live with.
Replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ – integration not polarities
What I have realized is that the moment you replace ‘but’ with ‘and’, everything changes. AND allows us to embrace and integrate the richness of all aspects of a person or an experience as part of the wondrous weave of life. Instead of something that feels polarised and conflicted, there is an awareness of an underlying wholeness.
Buddhist and Taoist perspectives on suffering
I’ve never felt comfortable with the Buddhist view of suffering as the central condition of existence, something from which we need to liberate ourselves. It’s always felt like a rejection of an inherent part of living. Even as a teen, Taoism’s view of suffering as being the result of resisting the natural flow of the universe resonated much more readily with me. It’s not that you don’t feel pain or loss, but you cultivate an ability to be with them, integrate them and let them go to be absorbed into the currents of your living.
Metaphor: Buddhism is like diagnosing and untangling an internal knot of thought; Taoism is like stopping your effort to forcefully push a river and simply floating.
Focus of Observation: Buddhism looks inward to dissect the mechanics of the ego and mind; Taoism looks outward to align human rhythm with the larger pattern of nature.
Ultimate Frame: Buddhism seeks an escape or release from cyclical existence (Samsara); Taoism seeks deep, tranquil integration with life right where you are
As I write, that word ‘integration’ keeps rising to the surface. It is also at the core of what I am working with as I age into elderhood. It feels to me that one of the key tasks of this stage of life is to bring together and integrate all of one’s experiences.
Non-duality
Day’s stored riches
spread gilding light
and paint the evening sky
in vivid hues
that gentle
into shadow,
then to night.
Night’s inky black
fades to grey,
colours seeping
then flooding back
till light explodes
and day
reclaims the world.
I think the importance of ‘and’ is that it implies wholeness rather than separation. Day and night exist on a continuum, are not a duality. And both are part of that larger pattern of all that is.
Honouring the whole
Every individual has strengths and gifts. They also have weaknesses and challenges of body and temperament. None of these alone reflect their human beingness. All the shadings and strands weave together to form a unique whole. In remembering those we love who have ‘become ancestors’, there is a need to integrate the good and not so good memories, to find an honest but compassionate acceptance that recognizes, celebrates and honours all that they were in this life.
Of course, this is learning that we can and ideally should apply to each person we encounter and to ourselves, as well as to the joys and pains with which life gifts us. That’s how we align our human rhythm to that larger pattern. It is important to remember, though, that this a process that requires attention, space and patience. It is not an instant ‘fix’.
Integration
Imagine a tapestry that only has access to pale shades. Now add in some darker threads. It’s not that the pastel piece is without interest. But those blacks, midnight blues, wine reds and more add depth and richness to the whole. You need access to the whole palette. Pain and grief do not disappear. However, when we are able to embrace then release them, to integrate them, then ultimately, with time, they enrich and expand our living and being.